Look at the silly little human, look at how foolish he can be. That must be what God thinks of me sometimes. I know I feel that way. September 25th: a memory etched into my skull. Yesterday.
I ran from task to task, ignoring my decaying soul in favor
of my decaying body. I watched. I knew. God himself slowly dropped into
the background, a nice little piece of scenery for a set of destruction.
I tried to keep him involved. We both knew my half-hearted attempts
weren’t adequate.
The weekend brought a lot of relaxation and renewed devotion
to my Lord. That piece of scenery became the author of my life... For
the weekend. We both knew it wasn’t adequate. Monday rolled around- life
got busy. He was still there, but now he was starting to fade once
again, back into the background where I had relegated him. It was the
same old problem. The same old daze. How was I to fight something that
ate all my time? I couldn’t just drop it all; it was important! That’s
what I told myself when I wanted to excuse my actions from any guilt or
blame, but it still plagued me, demanding that I acknowledge my
foolishness.
So, I prayed for rain.
And then the rain came.
You'd think paralysis would be extremely disorienting for
someone who spends all of his time in physical activity... but it
wasn't.
I
reach down and try to grab my phone, but I can't hold on to it. My
finger won't clench, and the sensation is numb. I should be concerned,
right? I search myself for concern and find none- I find only peace.
Examining my hands, I realize that I'm losing control of parts of my
body, and I surrender that knowledge to God. "Take it God. You do all
things for the good of those you love, according to your purpose. Even
this...”
Paralysis should be frightening. Perhaps my emotions were
paralyzed. I don't think so though. In the waiting room, I kept everyone
else's spirits up. I looked around at the faces and read their fear, so
much fear. They all seemed so frightened by the prospects. It didn't
seem right for them to worry; after all, I was at peace, they should be
too. I joked, laughed, and made bad puns. They still seemed so
concerned, but why would they?
I'd been praying for rain.
And then the rain came.
Paralysis is strange. Physically, you're almost completely
disabled. But the mind is not constrained by the body. My mind ran a
mile a minute, working better than it normally does. Maybe it’s because
its load was lightened from the burden of my usual physical
inadaquacies. My heart rate exploded, but that was okay. After all, if I
died, what then? Heaven, right? Sure, that sucks for everyone else that
knows me, but not really for me. Freedom. That's what I've always
longed for. True, God-dependent freedom, and I was pretty close to
having what I wanted, at least closer than I'd ever been before. Alas,
death was not mine to have.
I'd been praying for rain.
And then the rain came.
Losing sight of God in a world that is filled with
distractions is easy. Solomon saw that when he said in Ecclesiastes:
"All is vanity and a striving after the wind." I certainly read that
phrase often enough that I should have been able to recognize its
application, but I was blinded my inability to see the dark hidden
within my own heart. In that darkness I misunderstood my distraction. I
could not even begin to understand that I was distracted by a great many
things, and as each one tugged at my heart, beckoning me away from
Christ, I lost my grip on all else. They were good gifts, some of God's
best, but not the giver. We both knew our relationship wasn't adequate. I
knew it. He knew it. It was only a matter of time until something
happened. September 25th, 1 PM.
"STOP!"
A voice reverberated around the mental chamber of my
imagination. Everything halted. I had stopped. I had no choice, for God
had spoken. He pulled me to my knees, quite literally, and cried out Be still and know that I am God.
I looked up and saw him there looking down, and understanding flooded
my eyes. Pure, divine light filtered through the cracks of my heart,
illuminating its dirty, exposed core. I lay there and waited. And
waited. "Can I get up now?" Be still and know that I am God. "Can I get up now?" Be still and know that I am God. I knelt and waited and looked up into the lantern of God's wisdom. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." I waited. Do you not know? Have you not heard? "Yes, Lord." Then he who has ears let him hear.
I'd been praying for rain.
And then the rain came.
Now I look back on a fatefilled event and wonder at God’s grace-filled intervention.
Can I learn in retrospect? It seems that it’s generally
understood but not generally applied, but what good is my experience
without the ability to learn from it? If I forget the past then I relive
the thousand agonies of ignorance.
God had started to blend in my weary eyes, against His
nature and against my knowledge, and when He did, my life became a
thousand shades of grey. Life without color isn’t a great experience,
I’ll tell you that. I can't do it all again so I’m taking arms against
my sin to live my life anew.
I look at my hospital window and notice the pane is streaked
with water. I pause, listening, and my ears register the pitter-patter
of droplets that were surely there all along.
I’ve been praying for rain.
And then the rain came.
0 Tid-Bits:
Post a Comment