HEY EVERYONE. I missed you guys. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it.
So, because I'm a selfish person, I decided that NOW is the time to design a guide to writing birthday wishes. (In case you didn't know, my birthday is in two days.)
And because almost all of you fail at doing birthday wishes properly, I am here to instruct you on how to do it right... And with that, here it goes.
A Guide To Cyber Birthday Wishes
The first thing you need to know is there are three types of good birthday wishes, and none of them are "Happy birthday! BYE!" You sound like a really sketchy dude on the street trying to sell me teddy bears, promising me they'll "make you happy bro." Don't be a sketchy teddy bear salesman. Do birthday wishes right.The Three Types:
The Sincere Note:
This can be pretty great if it's done well. You can make people cry, make their hearts leap for joy at the sight of your eloquently-crafted, emotionally-driven note of true catharsis. This includes spelling out the best in the person, and usually making them seem a whole lot better then they actually are. That's okay though. It's their birthday! LIVE LARGE! Another key element is calling on past experiences together that equate in an emotional response, whether that's laughter or crying. But to be clear, the end result of this note should always be a deeply felt emotional pang from the innards of their soul. If your wish isn't more than three or four sentences... You've probably failed.
The Comedic Note:
People tend to be a whole lot better at this second type because frankly, it's easier. Making people laugh is a lot easier than making them cry, which, talking to my boys here, is a very good thing. If you don't know how to go about creating the Comedic Note, here's a few ideas:
- DINOSAURS
Seriously, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to go wrong if you include dinosaurs. It's well known that dinosaurs eat people and are also large and scary. They're wonderful. To quote Meet The Robinsons: "I have a big head and little arms... I don't think this plan was thought out very well... Master?"
- Unicorns!
Do I really need to explain to you why unicorns make birthday wishes awesome? I suggest using these ideas in conjunction with an analogical struggle of the person. Yes. Whatever that means.
- Zombies, plague, and general infectious diseases that are liable to bringing the world to a crashing halt.
Modern culture has a strange, absurd fascination with zombies. Yes, Emmie, they're awesome, don't heckle me. They're simultaneously hilarious and frightening, and also there's nothing quite like the feeling of driving your shotgun blast through a zombie skull.
If you're still at a loss... Go here: How To Be Significantly More Epic Than You Currently Are.
The Inside Joke:
This option is more of a combination of the previous two. It grasps at something that you and the wisher have in common, in the form of an experience and finds a way to incorporate it into a birthday wish. If you're wondering "How the heck do I do that?" here is an example:
Context: Ben is my brother's brother-in-law and he has a two year old daughter named Ellie. She would act really shy when I was around, and then when I left she would go "Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie!" so this is what I sent him on his birthday.
"Happy birthday brother-in-law of my brother!
So, you see there's this girl, and her names Ellie, and she's your daughter, and she was crushing on me for a while, and I still don't really know how to react man... Advice?
Ahahaha, all jokes aide, have a great birthday Ben!"
I refute any of thee who would object to that not being a good birthday wish. It's certainly better than: "Happy Birthday! Have a great one!" ... This right here <- is the epitome of a bad birthday wish. (I'm look at you, Facebook.) It's bland. It communicates nothing. If I know you well, and you send me that kind of birthday wish.. I'm telling you right now, I'm deleting it and sending you a message to BE BETTER. I MEAN I EVEN WROTE A GUIDE PEOPLE. I'm sure in a few days I'll be ranting again because I'm bound to get more of those anyway.
So yeah! Now you know how to write a real, good birthday wish! Be creative with this! Use what you're best at to make your friend's lives a little more special on their special day! And with all of this, keep in mind that I'm a selfish person for posting this two days before my birthday. Yup. Can't wait to see all your creative birthday wishes.
Ta-ta for now me lovelies.
1 Tid-Bits:
This is pretty much why I don't write on facebook walls for people's birthdays. If I see them in person and remember their birthday, I'll say something, but to me facebook is like "Oh yeah thanks for telling me that someone's birthday is today, I'll type out two words to show how much I care about them."
/rant
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